December 22nd, 2012

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Wayne LaPierre Exclusive!

Wayne LaPierre's statement on behalf of the NRA has drawn a lot of comment, but I've gained exclusive access to a revealing passage that was dropped from the final version due to lack of space:

It’s been pointed out that most deaths by firearms are not the result of random strangers killing in public spaces. More commonly the killer is a husband, wife or partner, and the home is the scene of the crime. Well, I want you to know that the NRA is listening. We hear you. Naturally, we recommend that under most circumstances people who are married keep a gun on them at all times when in their own homes. The trouble comes when couples get intimate. That’s when they tend to forget about the possibility of being murdered by their loved one. What do couples do before they leap into the sack? They get naked. In other words, they disarm.

That’s the real outrage. All over this country, millions of couples are having unprotected sex, without so much as a derringer velcroed to the bedpost, and the result is thousands of tragic deaths each year. We in the NRA are not prepared to stand by and let this happen. I pledge today that we will fund a program of volunteers, ready to provide security whenever and wherever American citizens are making sweet, sweet love. With just one call to a toll-free number you can be making whoopee sure in the knowledge that an NRA marksman is stationed just across the street, his rifle sights trained on your writhing bodies, ready pull the trigger at the first sign of funny business. Think of us as good neighbors.

We trust this will give you the peace of mind you seek, and the confidence to get on with that most precious of God-given tasks – the creation of innocent little children.