steepholm (steepholm) wrote,

Suffering (from) Little Children

"But surely you were a small person once, Miss Trunchbull, weren't you?"
"I was
never a small person," she snapped. "I have been large all my life and I don't see why others can't be the same way."

First it was planes, now it's restaurants. I'm sick of all these whiny adults going on about how awful it is that they have to share the planet with children. Do they really think it's fine to demand that the world accommodate itself so absolutely to their personal comfort? I fully expect to see a demand soon for child-free pavements. "I like to be able to walk down the street unimpeded, arms swinging, without having those awful buggies get under my feet. Don't these lazy children and their inconsiderate parents realise that some of us are important people with important places to get to? Don't they realise that it's all about MEEEEEEEEEEEE?"

It's the way things are going, perhaps. In that spirit, I've drafted out some letters for them to send to the Daily Mail when they've finished beating up on the under-fives.

  • "How I hate seeing people who are over seventy in public places - dribbling down their chins, shouting "Speak clearly, dear!", boring everyone with their reminiscences, and being, in general, an unwelcome reminder of mortality. Why oh why can't we have oldie-free restaurants and flights?"

  • "It may not be 'politically correct' to say so but, let's face it, finding yourself at the table next to a disabled person is a real downer. When I go to a restaurant I want to enjoy myself, not have to watch some amputee stumbling about the place, or overhear the ill-formed words of someone with cerebral palsy. Can we put them somewhere more discreet, please - or maybe start up a chain of Disabled Diners, where they'd be more than welcome?"

  • "Women, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't drink without 'em. Many men go to the pub at the end of a hard week's work to get away from the old trouble and strife. Why shouldn't they have a bit of peace and quiet? Don't they deserve a small female-free oasis? Not that anyone would want to exclude women entirely, of course. Every Tuesday evening would be Ladies' Night!"

I'm sure you won't have any difficulty adding to the list...
Tags: current affairs, maunderings
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